Monday, February 1, 2010

Ouch

There I was.  Sitting reverently during the sacrament yesterday, minding my own business, when suddenly I was overwhelmed with powerful, crippling feelings of inadequacy and tears.  What?!  Where did that come from?? I mean, there have been a few trials the last few months, but mostly just lots of happiness and feeling good. 

Doubts about all my talents and abilities were suddenly at the forefront of my thoughts.  Jealousy of my amazing friends and their talents soon followed.  The things I do and areas I excel in were instantly not good enough and would never quite measure up.  My mind is not sharp enough, my home is not clean enough, my voice isn't good enough and on and on and on.

Whatever turmoil was boiling under the surface, no way was I letting it out where everyone else could see it.  I had to figure out where this was coming from and get it in check quickly.  First things first.  Stop the tears.  Easier said than done, especially when you have Grandma Marchant's tear ducts working against you.  ;)  Deep breath in.  Exhale slowly.  (Thank you Pilates and yoga!)  I was up extra late and I did have slightly tender ears from standing in front of 4 massive speakers while listening to a friend's band play Saturday night.  Maybe I am just extra tired.  More deep breaths.  Ok.  Tears are in check. 

Now what's up with this whole not feeling good enough thing?  (More deep breaths)  I found myself reciting lessons learned inYoung Women and as early as primary.  I am a child of God.  He loves me.  Repeat.  He doesn't mind my shortcomings as long as I am working towards improving them.  That's what He is there for.  Repeat again.  Slowly my thoughts returned to normal and I could move on to listen to the speakers.

This whole experience left  a deep impression on me though and I thought about it all day yesterday.  Satan was working on me this much I understood.  That was a scary realization.  Not wanting to have that happen again, I decided it was time for a little more goal setting.  Since most of what I was feeling failure in where talents (versus spiritual preparation or homemaking skills), that was where the goal setting would begin. 

I have always considered myself a "jack-of-all, master of none" when it comes to my hobbies.  Being able to do one thing exceptionally well would be such an awesome achievement for me.  I laid out 2 or 3 things I've been wanting to work more on and learn more about.  I've picked one of those to work on heavily for the next three months.  That's not enough time to make me an expert in any area, but I feel it's a reasonable amount of time to decide if it's an area I could master.

The goals I set in January are coming along nicely.  Making it to the temple 2x a month in tax season is already proving to be difficult, but going at least once per month is definitely doable.  Working out has become a top priority.  I've been having fun and am feeling really good which was the whole objective anyway.  I'm happy with 3 times a week.  I've been able to squeeze in a 4th workout and sometimes even a 5th, but it's nice to not have the extra pressure of needing those numbers to meet my goals.  I'm ready to take on this new goal which I will name shortly, but not until I've gotten some other things in place to help me out.

Hopefully it will be a long time before I feel like that again.  I do recognize that it has spurred me on to action though and for that I'm grateful.

8 comments:

Cami said...

I'm sorry. It can be so overwhelming and so often we don't remember that the Adversary has it out for us. I can see that recognizing that helped you out.
No one makes cupcakes like you do.
You are the gentle-est mother I know, yet your children are still disciplined and very well-behaved.
You are so much better at completing projects than I am.
You are infinitely thoughtful.
You are very beautiful and have produced three beautiful children.
You can run. BIG COMPLIMENT from me.
You are a lot of fun to be around
You are very clever.
I admire you a lot.
You're almost cool enough to be thrity. :)
Love to you! May you have an excellent Monday!

Sherilyn said...

Just know that you are a beautiful Daughter of God. You are an awazing mother,wife, daughter, grand daughter, sister, aunt, cozin, daughter-in-law and neice. You bless every ones lives you meet and will continue to bless many more. Satan has a great way of making us feel less than we are but a loving Heavenly Father will always be there to remind us what amazing women we truly are and that he loves us more than we will ever know

Emily said...

I'm sorry, Ange! You have SO many talents and gifts that it's hard for me to imagine you doubting yourself. I too have felt that way many times and you are right that it is Satan trying to bring you down. Keep setting your goals and that will definitely give you a boost. Love ya, girl.

Kinyon Family said...

Totally had this happen in RS a few weeks ago. The next week, the Gospel Doctrine teacher started out her lesson with simply "You Are Enough". It's my new mantra. So, Angie, for what it's worth, in my blog stalking I believe that your are overly talented and I think you are fabulous :)

Kelly said...

I think you should add "crazy" to your list of "shortcomings." You are the last person I would think of to write a post like this. Ever since we were little, you have been the most creative and fun person! You were the mastermind behind all of our dances, dramatic plays, operatic songs, house building (I actually don't know if it was supposed to be a doll house or a mouse maze), etc., etc. :)
Whenever you feel like that again all you have to do is think of me. Then you will realize that you are VERY accomplished and ULTRA awesome, compared to me.

Jennie said...

You know, I was thinking about my mom the other day. She never really "mastered" anything. I was trying to think of one or two things I could say that my mom did really well. But I couldn't think of any. That made me feel a little guilty. Then I realized that my mom was really good at trying everything! THAT was her amazing talent. I never once heard her say, "I can't." or "I'm not very good at that." She really did a little of everything and taught me not to be afraid of trying new things. I don't think we need to "master" any one thing. Because then we'd be boring. You should hang out with her more often. :)

Sunshine and Lazy days said...

Angie, lovely Angie! You are such an amazing person! I'm sorry you felt that way! I think we all go through that, and your right, Satan doesn't want us to be happy. Here's what I do know, I know that you are a wonderful friend, (you have helped me through a lot of hard times) You are a beautiful lady, you are raising three beautiful good children, you have an amazing talent of making others feel loved, and you are amazing at everything you do! I am constantly amazed at all the things you do!!!! You inspire me to do better! I love you! And I can't wait to hear about all the goals you are going to accomplish!

Melissa said...

Angie, I love you. You are beautiful. Thanks for being a good friend. I can't wait to hear about your new goal, I bet you are already good at it. :)