There I was. Sitting reverently during the sacrament yesterday, minding my own business, when suddenly I was overwhelmed with powerful, crippling feelings of inadequacy and tears. What?! Where did that come from?? I mean, there have been a few trials the last few months, but mostly just lots of happiness and feeling good.
Doubts about all my talents and abilities were suddenly at the forefront of my thoughts. Jealousy of my amazing friends and their talents soon followed. The things I do and areas I excel in were instantly not good enough and would never quite measure up. My mind is not sharp enough, my home is not clean enough, my voice isn't good enough and on and on and on.
Whatever turmoil was boiling under the surface, no way was I letting it out where everyone else could see it. I had to figure out where this was coming from and get it in check quickly. First things first. Stop the tears. Easier said than done, especially when you have Grandma Marchant's tear ducts working against you. ;) Deep breath in. Exhale slowly. (Thank you Pilates and yoga!) I
was up extra late and I did have slightly tender ears from standing in front of 4 massive speakers while listening to a friend's band play Saturday night. Maybe I am just extra tired. More deep breaths. Ok. Tears are in check.
Now what's up with this whole not feeling good enough thing? (More deep breaths) I found myself reciting lessons learned inYoung Women and as early as primary. I am a child of God. He loves me. Repeat. He doesn't mind my shortcomings as long as I am working towards improving them. That's what He is there for. Repeat again. Slowly my thoughts returned to normal and I could move on to listen to the speakers.
This whole experience left a deep impression on me though and I thought about it all day yesterday. Satan was working on me this much I understood. That was a scary realization. Not wanting to have that happen again, I decided it was time for a little more goal setting. Since most of what I was feeling failure in where talents (versus spiritual preparation or homemaking skills), that was where the goal setting would begin.
I have always considered myself a "jack-of-all, master of none" when it comes to my hobbies. Being able to do one thing exceptionally well would be such an awesome achievement for me. I laid out 2 or 3 things I've been wanting to work more on and learn more about. I've picked one of those to work on heavily for the next three months. That's not enough time to make me an expert in any area, but I feel it's a reasonable amount of time to decide if it's an area I could master.
The goals I set in January are coming along nicely. Making it to the temple 2x a month in tax season is already proving to be difficult, but going at least once per month is definitely doable. Working out has become a top priority. I've been having fun and am feeling really good which was the whole objective anyway. I'm happy with 3 times a week. I've been able to squeeze in a 4th workout and sometimes even a 5th, but it's nice to not have the extra pressure of
needing those numbers to meet my goals. I'm ready to take on this new goal which I will name shortly, but not until I've gotten some other things in place to help me out.
Hopefully it will be a long time before I feel like that again. I do recognize that it has spurred me on to action though and for that I'm grateful.
